MST Untreated Stole My Life

 

MST Untreated Stole My Life

 

For many years I was traumatized due to a military sexual assault, the illness is called MST or military sexual trauma.  I really never dealt with it, but simply allowed my life to deteriorate, while one thing led to another in a self destructive pattern. I recently enrolled in MST therapy through the Veterans Affairs Medical Center and for the first time since the assault occurred I am being proactive in addressing the underlying problems associated with this by actually looking into how it really effected me.

 

My goal is to obtain a better quality of life and to be successful in gaining service connected disability. I feel that this assault destroyed my life because as a result of it, I halted in development, I stopped growing, in fact, I became insecure  and became worst. And instead of the VA treating my true illness they chose to treat a mere symptom which was "delusional schizophrenia and bipolar disorder," because they were only concerned with denying me service connected disability they did not address MST and as a result over 24 years have passed by, while it went untreated and I am now 54 years old and have a sense of hopelessness and despair.  

 

Now for the first time I was ask how did the assault effect me and as a result for the first time I actually thought about it in detail and that is the nature of this letter.

 

I never understood what Paul Castellano meant by saying to Rev. Jesse Jackson "he has to overcome it, he had to know, but he has to overcome it."  Why? Because I was never challenged by anyone to think about it.

 

First of all, I truly believe that everything that happened in my life was for a reason, to include the late decision by the VA to treat me for MST.  Sure I probably would have had a full life had we did it sooner, but still better late than never.

 

To say I had to know is talking about knowledge of something and what I had to overcome was the traumatic effect as a result of the knowledge.  I had to know homosexuality or the act of homosexuality inflicted upon me "an assault" and had to overcome whatever happened to my psyche as a result of it.  And because I was not homosexual it was a traumatic experience, because in reality my manhood was taken from me and I will explain. 

 

One of the worst things you can do to a straight man is have another man  rape him. As a result I felt fear, I was afraid to even go to sleep night.  One time I stayed up for about three months.  Because of being raped I begun to hate alcohol, I feared its effects, though I still abused it, because it made me vulnerable and subject to another assault. So while I was afraid to sleep I needed a sedative to put me under. I could not sleep on my own, without the help of a drug and still cannot. I still cannot sleep without medications to assist me.

 

Soon after I was raped, I realized I was naked as did Adam, which makes me wonder what was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.  Soon after I got raped I did not feel comfortable taking a shower with other men, which was a requirement in the Army in Germany, because we lived in old style barracks. And I became ashamed of my body and I felt violated and inadequate.  And though I have reason to believe Paul Castellano killed those who conspired to rape me, there was never a sense of closing. I never had closure, because one thing led to another  in a constant self destructive pattern in my life.

 

Soon after I got out of the military during that enlistment, I drank everyday and made my father promise not to enter into my bedroom while I was asleep, in fear he would hurt me. But I am sure he checked on me to make sure I was OK.  Because at the time he was the only person that I told about I being raped while in Germany. And when I showed him a picture of the people responsible for my assault with their social security numbers on it and said one day I will find them and kill them, he tore up the picture and said "they are already dead."  It was years later before I even had a flash of their killings. Still until this day I do not remember it all, but only in parts can I remember that night Paul Castellano killed them.

 

I think John J. Gotti set me up to be assaulted, because I had to know and overcome it and to get even with me. He too was setup while in prison in his younger years and also that man who did him died a horrible death.  But he made it difficult for me to overcome it.  Because now that I think about it Janet Jackson was never for me, but worked for the Mafia and him.

 

See Janet was used to control me for many years. My relationship with her went back to when I was 16 years old an d she was about 9.  I was hypnotized and tricked into loving her from the beginning and to feel a sense of debt to her. I felt I owed her my love, because of all these bad things I did to her "allegedly". And as a result of my love for her, the Mafia controlled me. She was never  really my true mate, but was a tool they used to get me to do the many things I did for them. And John J. Gotti told me, "you have to get over her." Just like I had to get over the assault and had to get over Janet, because she never was for me to begin with. He said I could never be a Dom and be obsessed over her, who was never worthy of my love. But after years and years of this, I found it hard to let go, yet I knew I had to someday.

 

The sexual assault coupled with a hypnotically induced obsession over Janet Jackson, brought about my long term deterioration. First of all, I was suffering with MST which was going untreated for many years.  Meaning the feelings of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, shame and guilt  to name a few was coupled with an illusionary relationship diagnosed as delusion. And I was preoccupied with the fact that I knew it was true (my associations with her) that I overlooked the fundamental element (fact), which was that she used me to gain the world, never intending to share it with me. She never really cared about me from the beginning.

 

As a result, I further melted down by disassociating myself with people who cared about me, always worrying about her. I was actually faithful to her for about 10 years, going without sex. Because my believed relations with her was upheld by me being a victim of MST. I see it now as a setup, Janet Jackson was used against me so effectively only because I was already traumatized by a sexual assault, in the military. She in fact was my escape as well as distraction from dealing with my underlying problems associated with MST. And the VA failed me, because had they never addressed my real problem, because I would have gain service connected disability and/or recovered from this traumatic experience.  And because Paul Castellano killed those men, I was accused of destroying a covert unit. But it was centered around me anyway and they dishonored me by allowing this rape to take place and then covering it up as if it n ever happened.

 

A better quality of life for me, would include some material things, like a better car to drive, my house being renovated, eating quality foods like good steaks ore often, my recording studio being upgraded and updated and the tools to get our non profit organization of the ground, because my non profit organization give me a reason to wakeup each day.

 

But I know in my heart, now that I am pondering and reflecting on my past and how I got to where I am today in mind, body and spirit. For me to enjoy these things and truly benefit from them, I need peace of mind. I need a true understanding of myself that is consistent with the directions I want to go with the remainder of my life.  I need closure concerning this traumatic event coupled with illusions that controlled my life for over 25 years.  

 

From: The Screenplay "The Apostle."

 

INT. AT A HOTEL WITH REV. JACKSON. — NIGHT

Staff Sergeant Winston who was my KEY arranged a meeting with me and Rev. Jesse Jackson.
REV. JACKSON

Who are you?

Frank Paul Jones was in the process of becoming Paul Castellano, right before Rev. Jackson.

FRANK PAUL JONES

I am afraid; they are going to kill me.
Then Paul Castellano started laughing, saying Frank Paul Jones is a baby, and he wasn’t that body he just resides in it.

REV. JACKSON

Why you let them do what they did to Paul.

PAUL CASTELLANO

He has to overcome it, he had to know, but he has to overcome it.

REV. JACKSON

What are you going to do to the people responsible for this?

PAUL CASTELLANO

What do you suggest?

REV. JACKSON

They must die.

PAUL CASTELLANO

You are right and I assume you are afraid for your life as well, but you will be all right, it’s all a part of the Master Plan.
The decision was made to protect Jesse, because he had a strong Presidential campaign and the decision was made to handle the people who raped Paul.

FRANK PAUL JONES (V.O.)

I don’t remember the last day in Germany of this tour. All I remember was being with a prostitute in Frankfurt, who told me I had to return to Swhweinfurt to resolve this situation, then I saw Staff Sergeant Winston who said, there he goes, and then later on that night I remember sweating on top of the same prostitute, and she said, now you can go home.

 

^{From the NIV Holy Bible:}

⁸ Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. ⁹ But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?”

 

¹⁰ He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”

 

¹¹ And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?”

 

¹² The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

 

¹³ Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”

 

Frank Paul Jones